My most difficult day.

Today is the day that’s been on my mind for quite some time now. One year ago today, June 8th 2023, my husband was beaten to the point of unconsciousness which caused broken bones, cuts & bruises, temporary loss of vision, and a brain bleed which sent him to the Trauma ICU. I had always heard of people who suffered a great loss, and how they fear and dread the one year anniversary of the loss they experienced. I always found the idea of that interesting. Why does the date bring about more emotions, pains, etc.? Now here I am, having experienced nothing even close to the pain and trauma of a permanent loss of a loved one, but still I found myself in the weeks leading up to today dreading and hyper aware of this upcoming date, a one year anniversary of my most difficult day.

The mind and your emotions are a complex thing. As much as I felt anxiety, dread, and so many other emotions about this one year anniversary, I also felt… embarrassed. My mind plays tricks on me questioning me on “why I’m being so dramatic” and “you just want attention”. It’s like a tug-of-war of emotions and I’m just trying to balance it all out. I love to write, it’s something that just kind of flows out of me so in this moment, what better to do than just express the good, the bad, and the ugly? I am also choosing to share it all with everyone. If hearing about my battles can help anyone who may be facing similar battles, my hope is that it comes as an encouragement. You are not alone. No matter how minor some may try to make of your life experiences, your feelings and emotions are valid. No one can understand what they have not walked through themselves and it’s ignorance that causes people to belittle or question what they know nothing about. We can’t ever let ourselves be held back or discouraged based on others’ feelings. I read a great quote recently that really drives this point home, “Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t ask advice from.” That is such great advice. Now, let’s be clear, we’re talking about “criticism”. We should all be spiritually accountable to someone. We should listen to those who we have chosen to be in our lives as accountability partners, but accountability partners and spiritual leaders never criticize, they help lead and guide by pointing to the scriptures.

I think if a lot of us are being honest though, our biggest critic in life is ourself. I can’t say that more than one, or maybe two, out of the literal hundreds of people that spoke into my life during this last year, were ever anything but encouraging and understanding. I am certainly my own biggest enemy. I am guilty of so many times turning Satan’s small whispers in my mind to the loudest voice in my life, overpowering God’s truths that I know I have inside of me. It is in those moments that it’s so important that we turn to the Word of God to help us fight those battles.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

As I sit here today, I am reflecting on this past year. I’m looking back on June 8th, 2023. When I do, what comes to my mind is the fear and panic. I remember this overwhelming feeling of “I just have to get to Matt”. I didn’t have my own car at the time. I was home alone with the kids without a car when I got the call. I remember going outside so my kids wouldn’t hear me and calling my mom. I remember when she answered I went completely blank and suddenly couldn’t find words to speak. It felt like two minutes of silence when it was probably only five seconds at the most. I remember finally saying calmly, “Mom, I need you guys to come right away. Matt is in the hospital.” I don’t have any memory of my mom’s response aside from that they were on their way. The conversation was surprisingly calm and quick. I remember after hanging up and waiting for my parents to come, feeling like seconds were taking hours. It felt like time was stopped. Once my parents arrived, my mom headed for the house and I just jumped in the car and left with my dad. I didn’t even speak, I just got in the car and we drove. My poor mom was left not even knowing what all had happened, though I still didn’t have an understanding of how Matt could have been “jumped by multiple men” on the side of a highway. How? Why? The drive to the hospital felt like it took hours. During that drive I faced every kind of emotion but the biggest emotion I remember feeling was the extreme need to just get to Matt as soon as possible. I just wanted to be with him.

My father was incredible, but being in the ministry close to fifty years, he’s unfortunately quite experienced in trauma, specifically being a support to families in the midst of trauma. I remember feeling such mixed emotions of both comfort and fear hearing my father praying as we drove. Praying for Matt, praying for the doctors, praying for me and the kids. Comforting, but also a swift slap of reality. “Dad is doing his thing.” I thought. “He’s praying for a family in crisis… I AM the family in crisis!” Definitely a surreal moment.

As we approached the hospital my dad turned from praying to giving me practical advice. He told me he’d drop me off and then park. He advised me to go use the restroom first thing, before checking in or going to see Matt. He explained that once I’m with Matt I’m not going to want to leave so use the restroom first, then I don’t have to leave Matt’s side for a while. I remember blowing that advice off because I felt such an urgency to just get to Matt. The most interesting thing though was, after around the forty-five minutes it took me to get to the hospital, since Matt was taken to a trauma center rather than our local hospital, the feelings of “just get me to him” could suddenly changed so drastically. As I walked towards the entrance of the hospital a daunting question passed through my mind, “…but what are you going to see when you finally get to him?”. Talk about yet another reality check. I was now terrified at what condition I’d find Matt in. After that reality entered my mind, I suddenly found myself happy to take my dad’s earlier advice to go find a restroom and then wait for my dad to come in before finding Matt. I was so scared of what I was going to see, and what kind of reaction would I have, that I waited for my dad so we walked in together. Once my dad walked in, he also used the restroom, then he took my hand and walked me in.

I still feel so blessed to have had my dad with me. I only now think about what it must have felt like for him. Thinking of him having to handle his own daughter as he’s handled so many church members, and even strangers, over the years. That must have been surreal for him as well.

Finding Matt was quite the dramatic experience in and of itself. We were directed to his room but when we got there it was empty. We asked the crowd at the nurses station for clarity but none of them knew. Finally, someone said he was up getting another CAT scan and told us just to wait at his trauma room in the ER. “Trauma room”. He had a trauma room. The room he was assigned in the emergency department was not one of those little shared rooms I’m accustomed to when in the emergency room, but a large single room with all kinds of equipment held only for the more serious cases. Standing in that big room waiting was unreal and just when you think it won’t get any more surreal, down all the way at the end of the long hallway you suddenly see a patient in a hospital bed being wheeled down the hallway with NY State Troopers walking alongside. The patient was laid down flat in the transport bed, and all covered up, so I couldn’t see them, but I knew it had to be Matt due to the presence of the State Troopers. Clearly, this is really happening. In that moment, the shock and disbelief finally subsided and was replaced with the weight of what this newest storm in our lives was going to entail. It hit like a ton of bricks as I tried to process what the State Trooper was saying to me as they wheeled Matt right passed me and back into his room. My dad went to Matt’s bedside as I spoke with the state troopers and then the doctors trying to process everything they were saying.

This was a trauma. I have to remind myself of that, and give myself room to have all the emotions. I’m allowed to have emotions, even though it’s a year later. I’m allowed to have big emotions when it comes to this day even though my husband is alive and has nearly fully recovered. This was the most traumatic day of my life. The six months following June 8th, 2023 were filled with doctors appointments, police interviews and investigations, criminal court cases, Matt losing vision in his right eye for months not knowing if it’d ever return, worrying about Matt’s job and if he’d lose it, filing so much paperwork, all while trying to be a mom and an executive pastor, and everything else people still required of me. It was so hard to balance it all, and I failed most of the time, but God sent so many wonderful friends and church family to help carry the load. The last thing I could be was a good friend yet so many helped me in the midst, sometimes not even getting a “thank you” from me. Life was a blur and I’m so grateful to those who gave me grace as I tried my best to navigate it all. It was such a difficult season but we were and still are so blessed.

We are blessed because Matt recovered, even gaining back nearly full vision. We’re blessed because not only was Matt able to keep his job after all his time off, but was recently promoted. We are blessed because an arrest was made and a criminal was sentenced. We are blessed because I had an incredible office staff that were able to step in, keeping the church running, while I practically disappeared to take care of Matt for months. We are blessed because we have an incredible church family who so overwhelmingly supported us, and still do to this day. We are blessed with such an amazing family who supported us every step.

I could go on and on about how blessed we were through this trail but all of those blessings do not negate the trauma, hurts, and pains that we experienced. I have to remind myself of that. I think a big mistake we make is comparing. I compared my traumatic experience with someone else’s whose experience wasn’t so blessed in the end. Therefore, I then convince myself that because I had a happier ending that I can’t complain or feel the emotions that I should. I then stuff it all down, because “I’m strong and blessed”. It’s those mind games we play with ourselves, or at least I do, that cause even more harm in the end.

Through this last year I’ve finally started to deal with this area of my life. It was traumatic, and changed me as a person, and just because my loved one recovered doesn’t mean that it wasn’t traumatic. When this whole thing happened, I didn’t cry for the first three days. There was no time for emotions, I had to take charge. I had to care for Matt and my kids. I had to call doctors, make appointments. There was too much to do. I had to be strong, or so I thought. Finally, by day three I allowed myself to break down for maybe about three minutes and then pushed on. Those emotions didn’t go away, they were still there, I just put them on the back burner, stuffed them down deep. “I’ll get to that later.” Guess what, later didn’t come because just like most everyone else’s life these days it seems, as one trial ends another begins. So here I am, a year later feeling emotions I was feeling last year…and probably stronger because these emotions weren’t properly handled. I am working through them now. I’m leaning on Him to help me face them. I’m giving myself permission to feel all the emotions and talk about it.

These last four and a half years have been so unbelievably trying. Starting with Covid and all the stress I took on trying to lead a church and private school through it while under NY State’s tough guidelines. And in the midst of Covid and all that stress, we also had to move for a second time in two years. Follow that by the church fire that took nine months to overcome, and follow that by all the health trials, and even cancer scare, we faced, and continue to face, with my son, Benjamin. Then follow that by the cancer scare with my father and other family members near simultaneously, which was followed by Matt’s assault and the six months following that were filled with surgeries and doctors appointments for him and Benjamin nearly simultaneously. Also, during all of that, we had to move yet again, our third move in only five years. Trying to move and get settled between my husband’s surgery and my then eight year old’s surgery was quite the experience. Now we come to this year, starting what should have been my peaceful year, in another new house, processing everything that’s gone on these last four and a half years. Instead, we started the year with the cancer diagnoses, and eventual death, of a close family friend whose husband, and entire estate, I am now in care of, remotely, since he’s in Florida. In fact, June is the first month of 2024 where I have not had to leave my family to fly to Florida to care for the estate and widower who is in memory care, who is now my sole responsibility. When I say these last four and a half years have been more than I could imagine ever being able to handle, I can’t put it out there strong enough. I have been in a battle but His grace has been sufficient. He has been there every step leading and guiding me, even carrying me when I felt that I couldn’t face another day. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there were, and still are, days when I feel so overwhelmed that I’ve wanted to run. I’ve even wholeheartedly told Matt, “That’s it, I’m ready to move to Florida. I can’t do this anymore. Tell your boss you’re ready to transfer” but just as serious as I am when I say it, I also know how much I am right where God wants me to be. Thankfully, I have a husband who hears from God and has not followed through, even in the times he was right there with me wanting to leave. God has us here, in these trials and tribulations, both within the church and personally, to shape me and mold me for what he has in store for my future. So as I sit here in the uncomfortable place, I have His peace. His UNCOMFORTABLE peace.

I think as Christians we get in our minds what we think His will in our lives should look like. We glamorize it to be our perfect little happily ever after filled with “peace” but that is far from scriptural. Instead we should look at what scripture states.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

When we read that scripture we need to not read the word “peace” and look at it with the worldly meaning, but instead look at the biblical meaning for the word “peace”.

The Oxford Dictionary defines “peace” as, “the state of being calm or quiet.”

However, now look at how the Bible talks of “peace”:

The Hebrew word translated as peace is “shalom” (shaw-lome), and according to Strong’s concordance, it means: “completeness”, “soundness”, and “welfare”. It comes from the root word “shalam” (shaw-lame), which means, “making amends” or “making whole or complete”. So biblically, having “shalom” means, “being in a state of wholeness or completeness, without any deficiency or lack”.

The word “peace” in the New Testament is from the Greek word “eiréné” (i-ray’-nay). According to Strong’s Concordance, “eiréné” means, “one”, “peace”, “quietness”, and “rest”. It originates from the root word, “eirō”, which means, “to join, or tie together into a whole”. Therefore, “eiréné” essentially means, “unity”; it is bringing multiple parts together to form a whole, or set it as one again. For example, two friends who reconcile after a fight make eiréné; that is, they come back together, and their relationship is whole.

Putting it together - The peace of God is different from the peace of the world. Biblical peace isn’t really meaning the absence of conflict; it is meaning “taking action to restore a broken situation”. It’s more than a state of inner tranquility; it’s a state of wholeness and completeness through action.

Where God calls you is rarely comfortable, it’s even scary at times. Living out your faith in a broken world will never be easy, but we are not called to an easy life. Look at the disciples in the Bible and what they faced.  Following the call on your life, whatever that might be, is not the easy road, but you will have peace during the uncomfortable. God will be with you every step and the reward of being obedient will be worth it. Seeing loved ones who are lost and hurting find the love of Jesus, because of your obedience & discomfort, will be worth it.

So while this road we walk as Christians can be so hard, I’m reminded of Moses and take his words for it…

Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still & watch the Lord rescue you today.” Exodus 14:13 (NLT)

I hope you are encouraged by this. I hope it helps remind you that God is with you every step. A lot of days will not be easy, they may even feel impossible, but that’s when He does His best work in your life. That is when you make the most growth, when you recognize that you are not as strong as you think you are. It is His grace and strength that has carried you. You can’t and are not ever expected to do it alone. You’ll fail every time. It is HIM who gives us strength.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I also hope that in hearing about my experience it will help you heal. I hope that it stirs up those hurts and traumas in your own life that you have buried down deep. I pray that they’re brought back up to the surface so that you can give them to Jesus and heal. You don’t have to carry the weight of your life experiences with you any longer. You can lay them down at the feet of Jesus and be freed from it all.